And we all go back...

Life doesn't stop at happiness. The beautiful renditions of joy that I have had experienced in the last few days are now locked, stored and preserved for eternity. These moments will be recalled from time to time in the future, when the heart will yearn for comfort. Of course, these feelings will be reciprocated at another location hundreds of miles away, in a heart which will await my return, and knowing this, I find solace in my own mind, as I slowly trudge my way into another age long oblivion...

A million rupees per second...

Now that I am back home, enjoying my short break from military life, I wonder why time has to fly so fast when I want to hold it back. It seems I have too many things to do and see and too little time to do them. It's like a child opening up a pandora's box fused with a timer. Playing games, learning the guitar, listening to music, hanging out with friends, eat out - and all I get is a month. No, I am not complaining. I guess everyone goes through this stage at some time or the other. But it does seem queer. God has His ways to entice us at times and show us the real colour of life. But that spell is brief. And that's how it should be.

Till death overtakes me...

I am always so curious about life after death it takes away my sleep at times. I feel like flowing in a dark black river, having no control over the circumstances that surround me, waiting for the final fall over the edge of life. In a way, all men are equal. They come and depart alone. I have a feeling that when they reach the final threshold, there remains no difference between an infant and the aged, between a doctor and a murderer. They become one and the same. Soul has no shape or existence. It has no perspective yet it is the one thing that unites a spider with a lion, a man with an ant.

Darkness falls...

It's getting dark and cold outside. 1842 hours. The street lamps have come on. I can see distant traffic. Automobiles traversing the stretch of road visible across my window, unaware of my gaze upon them, kilometres away. The sky is apparently void. The stars have been cloaked by unwanted light in my room. Strange how a tiny bulb fitted to my lamp can envelope light which is millions and millions of times more powerful. This statement reminds me of a poet who said the same. Was it Milton? I tend to forget. But he had said something similar in a more eloquent way.

The view from my window...

I see the world from my window. The world I want to be in. The wide open grasslands make me long for a world where I don't have to see faces, where I don't have to try to fit myself among others, 'cause there won't be anyone else apart from my solitary soul. I won't have to make sense in what I speak in that world 'cause all the time, the only person whom I would have to speak to would be myself. Of course, with God's blessings, there would be no dearth of music, or books or others things that would make my stay comfortable. Yes, I am selfish in my vision. Yes, I am a misanthrope. But I have a vision. And I see it so clearly through my window. I feel one with emptiness. And everyone stays out of my dreams.

What is it?

I wonder how someone, having a state of mind similar to mine, deals with everyday life. One integral problem lies with the fact that it is impossible to describe this state of mind. To anyone who thinks that he knows at least a little bit about me, be it anything, he will tend to think that I put up an unnecessary facade to gain anything ranging from sympathy to pity to popularity. Thus when everyone seems to be full of mirth I seem to be down and gloomy. It's as if I am trying to gain cheap publicity by seemingly isolating myself from the rest. As if I am giving myself airs when basically I am a drag. On top of it, I am so full of myself that I hardly bother to think about others. Some are thoughtful enough to tell me to cheer up but then give up thinking that I am merely ignoring them to make myself even more important. To them, the fact that I wallow in self misery and self hate is actually my way of ogling for attention. It is indeed so easy to assume the wrong perspective. I wish I could explain to myself what it is that makes me, me. My silence is unbearable for others. My expressions are laughed at by others. I don't want to be part of them and they don't want me. If that is the case, am I wrong in being what I am?

Post exam exuberation

The test was ok. I will pass. And that called for a celebration so I took a catnap in the afternoon. I have the final paper on the same subject tomorrow. What a drag! So I will be indulging myself into holes and electrons again shortly...

Pre exam syndrome...

Ok so I have 1 more hour before a paper on Electronics. Hmm, how am I feeling now? A bit edgy (might be due to the cold too). A bit restless and dying to get it over with. Then again, feeling thoroughly unprepared as always. Let's see, better revise some notes for the last time. I am poor at revising which is again due to my restlessness. At the same time, I am dying to hear a bit of Anathema. Hmmm, decisions, decisions...

A round of applause, anyone?

I have finally jumped into the blogging bandwagon. Guess no one is here to congratulate me at the moment, so I will myself do the honours!